Task 2 Band 7 sample answer 2

The answer below has been rated based on the public IELTS descriptors. Click the word or words in red to see the correction, and scroll to the bottom of the page to read our comments on the essay.


You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Write about the following topic:

In some countries, people who commit less serious crimes are made to undertake community service* instead of a prison sentence. Some people believe that all people who have committed a crime should be sent to prison.

Do you agree or disagree?

*compulsory work helping the community, such as decorating public facilities, which they must carry out in their spare time for a given period.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.


Many individuals think that the best way to punish those who [expand title=”get engaged in” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘engage in'[/expand] any kind of crime should be to [expand title=”sent” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘send'[/expand] them to [expand title=”jail” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘prison’ – prison and jail have a different purpose[/expand]. [expand title=”I totally disagree” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] try to avoid using personal pronouns – this could be ‘However, there is a far stronger argument to be made against this'[/expand] and the following essay will explain why.

Unless [expand title=”murder is concerned” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘the crime involves murder’] or equally heinous acts[/expand], people who commit more minor crimes should be given another chance to correct their behaviour. Isolating a person in [expand title=”the jail” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘prison'[/expand] seems to solve the problem but [expand title=”to” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘for'[/expand] some there are better solutions to make criminals think critically about their actions, such as [expand title=”assigning them to complete community hours” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘assigning community hours for them to complete'[/expand].

Another point to be considered before sending a person to prison, specificially teenagers, is to evaluate the level of crime. There are a considerable number of delinquents that [expand title=”get engaged” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘become involved'[/expand] in anti-social behaviour; for [expand title=”example” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] this needs to be followed by a comma[/expand] fighting and shoplifting amongst youngsters is [expand title=”something common to be seen” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘has become common'[/expand]. However, bringing these people to prison most likely would not [expand title=”benefit to” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] delete this[/expand] improve their behaviour [expand title=”but” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] change this to ‘as much as the'[/expand] inclusion of youth counselors [expand title=”would” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘which could'[/expand] be considered a great deal of help.

Admittedly, a point that could be made in support of the opinion that criminals should be sent to prison is that these [expand title=”people” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] needs to be followed by a comma[/expand] while [expand title=”suffering the” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘serving their'[/expand] sentence [expand title=”in jail” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] delete this[/expand] and being deprived from many privileges would [expand title=”better think to” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘think better of'[/expand] [expand title=”commit” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘committing'[/expand] a crime for a second time; however, [expand title=”the life experiences has shown” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘the statistics show'[/expand] that [expand title=”a person causes crime again” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘many criminals reoffend'[/expand] and [expand title=”ends up in jail” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘is returned to prison'[/expand] more than once.

To conclude, it is better for people who commit crimes such as theft or similar to be [expand title=”addressed” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘required'[/expand] to work in the community during their free time. By doing so the individuals work would serve a good purpose and the government would have to spend less on [expand title=”jails” tag=”span” targtag=”span” targpos=”inline” trigclass=”my_trigger span_fix noarrow” targclass=”span_fix”‘] ‘imprisoning those who break the law'[/expand].

(274 words)


Comments:

There are some clear strengths to this essay – the writer directly answers the question, the paragraphing is clear and the final body paragraph (the concession paragraph) is well argued.

However, there are a few issues with the choice and range of vocabulary (e.g. ‘Jail’ where ‘prison’ would have been more appropriate).

There are also a few errors in grammar (‘should be to sent them..’). There are also some sections where the writing could have been more academic (‘ended up in jail’).


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